As I peered thru the darkness.... and pushed the door.... as I stepped into the black pitch.... I heard a faint cry.... and it was still going on...

As I moved towards the direction of the sound... It spoke... "turn back...and leave me alone"... In curiosity I asked... "Who are you? What is it that makes a young boy to cry ever so brokenly" And as far as I could see... In pain he said "I am one who does not belong of this world anymore, and my pains are far beyond your imaginations, leave now, and never come back." Afraid? No... I wasn't, pity filled me more than anything... "You need an ear? Do you? Do you want someone who listens to you? Pardon my intrusion, but I hope I am good enough a listener for you"

"Really?"

"Trust me"

And there went, a conversation with a spirit...

"I lived in this place... for more than a hundred years, I just can't leave it"
"And why not...If you don't mind me asking"
"There are just things here I can't leave behind"
"What are they"
"My father slit my mother's throat...on the bed your parents always sleep... He stabbed my sister in the heart, on the bed your brother always sleep, as I watched in fear, on the bed where YOU always sleep... My father hung me on the fan, just so I would die slowly, and watch him... take his own life away..."
"Oh my.... Is that why you're here? To seek revenge?"
"Foolish being! I know very well that my father has departed! I'm looking for my baby sister"
"Why do you think she's here?"
"Because a part of me has not let go... I have kept her here with me, all these years"
"Then maybe it's time to let go"
"LET GO? Your foolishness amuses me,human.You don't feel what I do, feel my pain and you will see why I have not let go."
"You're not the only one with pains, wise one, though u live a hundred years longer than I have,you're a foolish one to not let go, when everyone, everyone, is waiting for your presence high up in the heavens."
"Heavens? If heaven existed heaven would have heard my cry when I was in pain"
"You think they have not heard? Angels of God surrounded you when you died, embraced you when you parted. But you did not let go,you still held on to this little piece of the world, is it all worth it? Is it all so worth it that you tie yourself down in this world where nothing lasts forever."

In tears again, the spirit said "You people think you know everything"
"I know nothing, my friend, but what I do know, is that someone is waiting for you to let go, someone still in pain for that hundred years to see you like this."
"But what if my sister is still here?"
"She's not, you have been here long enough to realize that, let go, and ease your pains"
"I'll try"
With a smile i bid the spirit goodbye.

*I have to learn to let go* =)

*Credits to whatever inspired me that lonely night* A message, maybe?*

I still believe in love. =)

How I wish, that one day when the time has come for me to go that the truths will be known, that when it is time for me to part from this mortal flesh I will at least have one glance at the secret ever so finely kept and hidden from my eyes that has so much so to have brought wrath of whatever that's in control upon me.

I'm sorry if my inadequacy has changed things, I'm sorry if my inadequacy has proved disappointment to my loved ones... I'm sorry for my inadequacy that has brought wrath upon my own and has involved any of you who cares. Alas my inadequacy can't be helped nor can I help but think that I am nothing but a tool of the Player. Done fooling around with me and dumped into eternal waste.

Was there love at the start will there be love at the end. Will there be love enough to sustain me through.

I'm but a fool who has tripped over a rock ever so obvious and am but a fool who has never learned to pick himself up. Again. My inadequacies has seen all of these. Yet I did not hear my heart's cry.

Future well seen through the eyes of mind that one day, my fellow mates, my fellow friends, those etched deep into heart and those carved deep into memories, that one day. We will part and never hear from each other again. But be rest assured that memories of you all will never be erased nor the names ever be scribbled away.

For the moments of laughter and the moments of joy you all have brought and are still bringing I take this chance, to tell all of you, my friends, that I could not have asked more. You've all given me...much more than I could ask, for it is the unexpected things you all do that brings much light into my life, thank you all so much.

Whether you are in my school,church,or anywhere I have been and am at, this is for you. My lack of vocabularies holds me back to what more I can say and how grateful I am to God, for all you people. Brothers and sisters of Christ, and also my brothers and sisters, who has yet to know Christ I pray for the day where your eyes be opened and your hearts be sensitive...

May the world and all that's in it never influence those pure hearts of yours and destroy what's in you all. May God's blessings be over you all and His hand of protection covering you in all that you do.

Thus with these last words I end my dedication. I love you all. Thank God, and you all. For being there. Always.

Is all on earth that I see, filtered through with a mask, a protection of self from the world? Is there a danger in obvious vulnerability and also having in mind the danger of having too many walls around me? But alas though with the mask that's sometimes unintentionally put on, and i think that the people I see and perceive are as they are. But I do now think that there is more to what I see in a person, whereas we can't judge them by the things they do (that we see them do) either, for the world puts on a mask of their own, masking their invulnerabilities, having the fear of someone else climbing above them, being mocked at, despised, and being hurt ever so much.

There's a danger I realised is that when I show myself, let the people around me know me, only to know that they can and will stab you, intentionally.Intentionally. How does one find trust in this...clouded world, scarred by the bitter memories of their own past, and realising that one's problems are not the only, and no one cares any more or less?

I guess after many foolish mistakes I realise that there's only One where I can confide in, being the only listener that will never.ever.ever. speak a word about my brokenness, my secrets,my vulnerabilities... I guess God is the answer, and end to headaches and an end to this post. Farewell people =).

I wish I could turn back time...undo the done and forget the whole thing...
I wish I could turn back time...turn back a little just enough to hear you say...
I wish I could turn back time...just enough to with-hold the tears from falling...
I wish I could turn back time...just a little so I would have had the time to pray...

I wish I could turn back time...and still hear you say you love me...
I wish I could turn back time...and still have the knowledge I have now...
I wish I could turn back time...and still see what I now do see...
I wish I could turn back time...and still have the ability to speak a sound...

But alas time waits for no man...and live shall I in consequences of my foolishness
But alas time waits for no man...nor will it for the most painful reason turn back
But alas time waits for no man...nor will it fly past me and spare me off this oppress
To do what cannot be done, to wish for the things that I,in all my might, still lack...

I guess there goes the times we had and the times we said "I love you".Good bye.
If ever the world has turned your eyes to another...Remember to look back...
I don't want to lose you.

After 2 weeks of holidays, been sooooooooo lazzzyyyyyyyyyy, i still am btw,sigh,
just thinking how unfair it is that school begins together with the World Cup, sigh,
and all my frens in college, university, all are back for their breaks JUST IN TIME!sigh,
So back to school again and having to study for SPM, so much to catch up on, sigh,
I think I'm behind my studies like, 10 chapters behind for every subject, sigh...

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh,
Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh,
Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh,
Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh,
Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh,

pumping music in my ears now just doesnt help at all, though it's supposed to for me =(
chao.

After watching a movie which I actually forgot the name or the actors, but I just remember one phrase that I heard, "Love the journey, not the destination"
To some extent I do agree with what it says, to a certain extent, I don't.

How true God gives hope at the end of our journey, seeing a life that never comes to an end, only that we just stay faithful to Him through out this temporal life, with all that we are LOANED. Yes, we don't possess any of these don't we, even if the world was bought none can be brought to the grave with us. As Job has said in his book, "I have come with nothing, and I shall go with nothing". Who, who, can say such words and have faith in God after what seemed to be betrayal and being what seemed to be forsaken as well. In this situation I bet Job loved the destination... Much much more than the journey...

Glimpses of society who is just loving the journey? Of course there are, those whom God in His "mighty plan" works out a plan for people, some seemingly forsaken and in famine, some seemingly blessed with material wealth, never worrying about the welfare of even the grandchildren. Why such drastic differences to God's people, or even not. Blessings are greater for those who suffer at this age and stay faithful? Yes that would make things fair for the suffering people, then what about life after for those who are seemingly blessed at this age, does God bless at this age so to see them have less in the age to come?

Questions questions questions, the joy of having answered questions, yet no one has sufficiently, Even when one has, does one look for a question, JUST to have that joy once more? The Journey comes with many questions, some answerable, some can never be. However I do think a lot of what I'm saying here may not be understandable, because I'm not re-reading it so I might miss out a lot of things that brings confusion to light. But I guess there's more confusion than light in view of this post.

Farewell.

Seriously, I forgot about this blog for a bloody long time till someone reminded me of my blog, someone by the name of Anonymus >.> (btw, Yes i know it means an unknown person) Things has been tough lately falling back and forth and not having my mind made up about what really matters in my life. Made decisions that I'm not even happy with, after all the grass is always greener on the other side and the desert always cooler at the other side.

Somehow I cant seem to feel much joy even after my mid term exams, maybe it's the pressure i'm feeling at home, or maybe becoz i havent put much effort into my exams that when i'm released i don't feel the difference,anyway.

Where is passion when we need it? Sometimes passion flow thru us, overwhelming us and we tell God "Oh God please, no more" and there are times when we also tell God "Oh God where on earth are you?" I attended my church family camp, at the end of april, which was themed "What on earth is God doing in Heaven?" <- I really thought it was a good and also applicable to the life here on earth right now. Can be read in 2 different ways too.

This is where it ends, this post.

Yes this is where it ends.

Yup, Here, the end

Um...yeah it ends HERE

Hello, still reading on?

For goodness sakes it ends here

yes yes it ends here...

sigh.....

Ahh end of my chinese new year holidays, spent 3 days in KL with my friends, only slept arnd and average of 3 hours a night there ... well I did say I was gonna go DotA spree there, we were at this cyber cafe called Escape, and on the first of every month it's member's day, where members get to play for free...and non members, cant play at all. So it went like this -"I'm sorry sirs today is member's day, members play for free but non members no playing" we went "hm,not a problem, what does it take to be a member?" he said "it's only rm15 for a year". we said "ok let's do it". and woahlah, membership for a year and we played for "free" that day, mind you we're fully aware of the 15 bucks we spent to play for "free", so we had to make our 15 bucks worth it, we played a total of 20 bucks, which is actually 10 hours. weeee that was fun. Got to meet a friend I met in an online game whom we planned to meet for...a..really...really...reallly.....reallly.... long time. finally got to meet him, damn those brown contact lenses of yours fooled me.

School's gonna start again soon, sigh, screwed up school. gonna make a trip up to KL every 1st of the month and play for free in Escape. I hope.

One of the biggest mistakes made one night, hoped I lied that night though, but how cud i have lied to u huh. oh well what's screwed is screwed, hope things go back to normal. And I had a song really sad song on radio to go with it when I was pondering about it, don't know what song is that but hell was it sad. Or maybe it was just my mood that affected it. I don't know. Don't ask.

Oh well this is where I end for now, yeah it's short, if you expect a novel, gosh you must be crazy for looking for it here. ByeBye.