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As I lie awake in the silent pitch black right in front of my eyes, I hear You calling my name, ever so softly...ever so gently... Yet in all that gentleness, I sense a voice of authority... I sense a voice of power... You're calling me by name, yes, I hear You... Yet I know You have seen through, that though I hear, I'm not listening. In my ignorance I call out, Father... In my ignorance I ask, why... In my ignorance I cry out, save me... Knowing that I am waiting to hear what I want to hear, listen to what I want to listen. You speak to me and You're repeating Yourself, I feel a tear drop as I tell You 'I cannot'. Yet in my denial, You refuse to leave my side, You choose to keep being with me, knowing my next steps yet You would still take the chance at the free will which You've given me. I feel more than just a tear, an ocean of guilt and shame, waves of regrets... As I lie awake... with wet eyes and damp pillow, You tell me again, I love you. I wrap myself under the blanket, wishing You'd not speak anymore at this moment, I cough as I try to catch my breath... As I lie half awake...I say things will be better tomorrow... * As I lie half awake...I realise too that I said these same words last night. * As I lie half awake...I realise too that this happened more than just once. * Restlessness takes over me again, and there i lay awake again. And there. A tear drops again.
And I quote from their song, Stained Glass Masquerade Is there anyone that fails, Is there anyone wthat falls Am I the only one in church today feeling so small Cause when I take a look around everybody seem so strong I know they'll soon discover, that I don't belong So I tuck it all away, Like everything's okay If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too So with a painted grin, I play the part again So everyone will see me, the way that I see them Are we happy plastic people, Under shiny plastic steeples, With walls around our weakness, And smiles to hide our pain But if the invitation is open, To every heart that has been broken Maybe then we close the curtain, On our stained glass masquerade - and the part that hits me the most - And would it set me free, If I dared to let you see The truth behind the person, That you imagine me to be Would your arms be open, or would you walk away Would the love of Jesus, be enough to make you stay. - *Quoted from Casting Crown's Stained Glass Masquerade. *Note this is not the full version Enough of pretense.Please. *I speak for myself and to all.
Well everyone do you like the new blog layout? it's ALL thanks to Joanne Soo Liyeng. Now everyone don't go ask her to do for you arh she kill me later 'coz of this post. So special thanks to Joanne who did this for me. Thank you =)
Refiner's Fire
Purify my heart, Let me be as gold and precious silver. Purify my heart, Let me be as gold, pure gold. Refiner's fire, My heart's one desire, Is to be holy, Set apart for You Lord. I choose to be holy, Set apart for You my Master, Ready to do Your will. Purify my heart, Cleanse me from within, And make me holy. Purify my heart, Cleanse me from my sin, Deep within. Before those questions were answered I awoke... Tossing and turning in bed in hopes of the sandman returning, to put me back to sleep, just to know what happened. Effort proven futile. 'Run?' but why... staring up at the ceiling as though the answer would come from there, it never did, nothing ever did. 'Perhaps I should talk to him'. I picked up the telephone, dialled his number, "Hello?" "Hey it's me" "Oh... Andrew...right..?" "Yeah am I bothering you?" "Well it IS 2 o'clock in the morning" "oh...I'm so sorry, i was a lil desperate" "it's alright, i didn't say i was asleep" "huh...okay, i've been dreaming..." "owh... u just did?" "Yeah... it seems to be telling me something... it keeps telling me to run, and not look back... every time i ask wat is it, i awake, like now..." "Past baggages maybe,bro? In every dream, there's a meaning to it, memories,experience,anything at all, etched deep down into the mind and soul, and comes to life in what we so call dreams..." "What do you mean?" "For example, If in a dream you kill someone, obviously someone you know? It's not because you have uncontrolled rage or what sort, it means you want to end your relationship with that person." "Right... So you think, mine has to do with my past?" "Maybe, you know yourself, more than I do" "Oh...ok...Thanks... I'll... try to figure it out" "Alright, and hey, let me know." "Alright." *Click* 'Sigh...I don't want this...please'
"You've got to listen to me, don't ask me any questions, just trust me. You've got to get out of here, there's not much time, go and don't look back, i'll be right behind you, go, go, go, go NOW, don't look back, don't ask why, just go! GO" I awoke in pitch black. 'What the hell was that?' "You're gonna be late for school andrew!" - ahh the usual yell of The Mother. "But i'm not going today MOM" - "Then take care of the clothes in the machine, i'm off" "alright" Still thinking of what was that dream about, felt like an action movie that Arnold Schwarzeneggar stars in. But damn it was real. More real than the reality of not having to go to school today. *Night befalls* 'I don't know who you are, but come again tonight' * * * * "No more questions, just leave" "Leave? From where? To where?" -To Be Continued-
"Why do we fall, Mr.Wayne? To learn to pick ourselves up" -quoted by the butler on Batman Begins. Ah i have much to learn from there but least did I expect that I have to learn to pick myself up again when i fall, and NOT get tired of it. Now that's the tough part for me! Guess it's time I realise that and be stronger. Cheers.
Hey everyone this is the essay I wrote for an essay comp. just thought i'd share it, since it has something to do with TIME, and i did post something before about TIME. Kinda long, hope you all can enjoy it =) ta. 'Just a little more…' The thought went through a young man, in late twenties, as he fled through darkness with only one objective… Survival. Was there enough time? Will there be a greener side at that other far end? 'It's too late now, all I've got to do is run' 'Tomorrow will be a better day, a whole new beginning awaits'. 'Should I turn back? Should I stop running and end this once and for all? No, it's too late now I've got to keep on striving'. Looking to his back he saw 'them' gaining on him. He felt the sting on his feet and the cold sweat weighing down through his clothes. He was overwhelmed by exhaustion yet he gave no sign of slowing down. Then it happened, like a flash of lightning, eyes opened in the same darkness.
Marco's eyes searched the room frantically. Full of fear, he awoke in pitch black darkness. 'How long will I live like this? How long?'. Just what is it that has made Marco dream like he does every single night? Having the same false hope every night that there would be a better tomorrow, only to find out the next day that it was just like any other day. Still, life went on, Marco turned on the lights and went to the bathroom, rinsing his face with the cool water. He could hear his heart thumping like horses galloping through race tracks.
Knocks on the door. That never failed to happen. Mrs. Thurston always sent in breakfast, no relations to Marco whatsoever. 'Just a friendly neighbour perhaps? Or someone taking pity on me, a wretched soul? Doesn't matter, her smile brought more comfort than the nightly sleeping pills' Marco bid her goodbye with a fake smile and went on with his breakfast. Same everyday, yet satisfying. Being an ex-convict wasn't something normal, not something seen in the busy marketplace everyday, especially one who was sentenced for 20 years imprisonment for a crime one did not commit. Thank God for parole. Sure he had records of criminal activities, robbery, fights, and things like that, but murder? No, he would have never thought of that. Just because of his bad reputation, and the coincidence of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, he was punished. Living life everyday, wishing to turn back time… Turn it back just a little to undo the wrong things that he had done, to gain honour and reputation, to find favour in the eyes of God. Good thing there was a friend, a close one, who listened to him whenever he needed to speak his mind, who gave him his shoulders whenever he needed to cry. Always the same old thing, turning back time, undoing all that were done, just for one reason, to have his family accept him with open arms again. The phone rang, Marco picked it up, a friend called, something was peculiar about it this time, calling him out for a drink? At this time of day? Odd… but still out of obligation, he gave in to the invitation and dressed up. Marco walked into the bar and searched for his companion, Andy, and sat down with him. "So how have you been?" Andy popped the question. "Still the same, living life everyday like a loafer, still can't get over the past, and it's eating me from the inside, literally," answered Marco. "What do you intend to do about it?", Andy asked again. "You here to drink, or to interrogate me huh?" came the harsh reply of Marco. Andy did not blame him, it was hard for Marco to face all that he was going through then, but Andy thought it was time for Marco to move on, Marco was a bright man, a really bright man. Andy grew tired of paying for Marco's expenses, knowing that if Marco did not move on, it was going to continue for the rest of Marco's life, and it could kill him. "I am worried about you, you know, it's time to move on, why mourn and weep for something that cannot be undone?" urged Andy. "What can be done? This is all that's left of me now." Replied Marco. "Let go of the past, look to what's ahead, you never know what's in store for you in the future unless you let go of the past" Andy sounded as though he was mad at Marco, of course, he wasn't, he just wanted the best for his friend. "I'm out of here, see you tonight." Without hesitation Marco left the s cene, leaving Andy in his concern. Marco sped all the way home, running into his house and locked the doors. He crouched at a corner with tears rolling down his cheeks. Uncontrollable! He was broken, and felt as though the world owed him, as though he was forsaken by the One who created everything in this universe... An hour of weeping and Marco had finally come to his senses, 'Andy was right… I cannot live on like this, I've got to set things right! Time waits for no man.' He realized that he could not undo the wrong things he had done, but what he could do, was to make up for all that had happened. Marco decided to write a book entitled "Living Your Life Right". He wanted young people read it, and realize that regret has no place.
Marco had become a changed man, ever since he started writing the book. Looking out from his window he saw, Mrs. Thurston standing by the window, smiling and waving at him, as though she knew what was on his mind, as though she knew his pains, ‘time waits for no man nor will it for anyone who wants to turn back the clock.’ How true, Marco thought. Looking out his window he waved at Mrs. Thurston, and smiled. This time, it was real.
Hopes of tomorrow being a better day. Hoping the same everyday.
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