As I lie awake in the silent pitch black right in front of my eyes, I hear You calling my name, ever so softly...ever so gently... Yet in all that gentleness, I sense a voice of authority... I sense a voice of power... You're calling me by name, yes, I hear You... Yet I know You have seen through, that though I hear, I'm not listening.

In my ignorance I call out, Father...
In my ignorance I ask, why...
In my ignorance I cry out, save me...

Knowing that I am waiting to hear what I want to hear, listen to what I want to listen.
You speak to me and You're repeating Yourself, I feel a tear drop as I tell You 'I cannot'.

Yet in my denial, You refuse to leave my side, You choose to keep being with me, knowing my next steps yet You would still take the chance at the free will which You've given me. I feel more than just a tear, an ocean of guilt and shame, waves of regrets...

As I lie awake... with wet eyes and damp pillow, You tell me again, I love you. I wrap myself under the blanket, wishing You'd not speak anymore at this moment, I cough as I try to catch my breath...

As I lie half awake...I say things will be better tomorrow...
*
As I lie half awake...I realise too that I said these same words last night.
*
As I lie half awake...I realise too that this happened more than just once.
*
Restlessness takes over me again, and there i lay awake again.



And there. A tear drops again.